Carrie Bradshaw is the worst

shoes

Like a lot of young women, I used to think Carrie Bradshaw was the cat’s pajamas. I annoyingly claimed that I was ‘a Carrie’, while I should have aspired to be a Miranda -Miranda is an unsung hero. The truth is, I was really into shoes when I was 18-19-20 years old, and I thought that Carrie and I were twinsies. What I failed to comprehend is that EVERYONE is into shoes. Shoes are literally the best purchase ever: they make you feel good without ever making you feel chubby, and they are super easy to buy online because shoe sizes are somewhat consistent across the board. Sorry this post is getting boring, I guess I’m  getting old, I’m talking about shoe sizes, please help me. So, to recap, I loved shoes and thought it made me similar to Carrie.

And maybe it did. When I was 18, I was stupid enough to think that buying a new purse would help me get over heartbreak, so I guess I was pretty similar to Carrie after all. But really, I was 18, so I was allowed to be stupid. I wasn’t pretending to be anyone’s role model, while Carrie Bradshaw did a really shitty job at inspiring the masses. Let’s talk about the title of the episode in which the silver shoes above appear: A Woman’s right to shoes. OK, SATC, you’re telling me that you’re making a pun about one of the most important rights that women had to EARN with their blood, sweat and tears? Are we comparing shoes -I mean, I love shoes, but come on- to the right to choose what to do with one’s own body? I know I can’t really blame the Carrie character for this one pun, but again, COME ON.

So I’m gonna try to regain control of my anger emotions and tell you why Carrie is the most annoying ever.

  • First of all, she says stuff like that:
where does the love goCarrie, you’re in your thirties, get your head out of your ass.

She manages to say things so cheesy that her friends don’t even dare tell her that she’s a weirdo. She’s just too far gone.

  • She’s also so needy that I have started rooting for Big. What pains me the most when I re-watch episodes of SATC is that my former favorite character is annoyingly immature and naive. I used to tear up when Big refuses to tell her she’s the one in the first season, but now I’m tempted to cry angry tears. Why does she have to be so needy? Why can’t she just respect him and give him the time to fall in love with her? Did she really need to spy on him at church with his mom? Let’s not forget that she also threw rocks at Aidan’s window -how rude is that!- when she was begging him to take her back.
carrie annoyingRun, Big, run!
  • That brings me to the big no-no of the show: she thinks her relationship with Big is soooo f***ing special that it’s totally worth cheating on good ol’ Aidan for. Aidan is the sweetest man alive, he is literally redoing her floors for her and all she does is complain and run to the hotel to bang Big. And then, when she sees Aidan again, months later, when he lost the little tummy and the greasy hair, she *miraculously* wants him back and chases after him like a teenager…just to refuse to marry him in the end. Was it worth it, Carrie? Was it worth it??
  • She dislikes dogs and is mean to Pete. She also screams bloody murder when she sees a cute little squirrel.
squirrelcarrieMy old little neighbor might agree with her on that one.
  • She actually screams bloody murder all the time. She once squealed like a maniac because she got caught in the rain. Who does that?
  • (This is a big one) She is a BAD friend. She never listens to Miranda when she needs her help, while Miranda is a SAINT and always listens to her bullshit -well, sometimes she yells at her because she’s too annoying about Big, but friends ought to do that sometimes. Carrie also thinks that because she is terrible at managing her own money, she is somehow entitled to Charlotte’s old engagement ring to pay her bills. AND she gets mad at Charlotte for not offering her the ring on her own. WHAT? I could go on forever about how and why she is a bad friend, but here’s another one: Samantha was in a relationship with a woman for a hot minute, and needed to talk about it because well, it was a pretty big, life-changing thing that had happened to her. Did Carrie patiently listen? Nope. She somehow made it all about herself and how she had an amazing orgasm (??) (you’re in your thirties, a great orgasm should NOT be huge news). And later on, when Samantha calls her to tell her she was hurt by her attitude, does she listen? Nope, she lets Ray go down on her DURING THE PHONE CALL. Ugh. Oh, and she sent her boyfriend to pick up an injured Miranda when she threw out her neck, and Aidan had to carry her out of her bathroom NAKED. When Miranda was pissed and humiliated that her friend didn’t come to her rescue herself, Carrie doesn’t understand why, and as if she couldn’t be any more annoying, she brings bagels but forgets the cream cheese.
  • She makes puns about every freaking thing, and says annoying things like this:
single and fabulous.jpgNo.
  • She never calls her boyfriends by their real names. So sure, ‘Big’ sounds really flattering -and we all know it doesn’t *only* refer to the fact that he’s a big shot- but do you really think Jack wanted to be reminded every day that his last name is Berger? (For the longest time, I thought it was spelled Burger, thanks a lot, Carrie.) Does Aleksandr Petrovsky really want to be called ‘The Russian’? I know I wouldn’t like it if my boyfriend referred to me as ‘The French’. I would hate it, actually. The only guy that Carrie called by his real name is Aidan, but on the other hand, she cheated on him, so she owed him that much. (Yes I am really hung up on the fact that she cheated on him.

There’s a lot more that I could say about Carrie being the worst. But mostly, what annoys me is that she had me fooled for a long time. I thought she was the coolest bitch in town, and I am embarrassed that I once related to this character. I mean, sure, I was young and ridiculously naive, thinking that dysfunctional relationships were viable because look at Carrie and Big! I guess the moral of the story is: Carrie and I don’t have a lot in common. We both like shoes -although I am not in debt because of shoes- and we are both pretty annoying.

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